iCarly: iCan’t Do This – Chapter 10

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iCarly: iCan’t Do This – Chapter 10iCarly: iCan’t Do This – Chapter 10: I’m NothingI struggle with the lock, jiggling the bobby pin around and feeling for the tumbler. Our lock sucks, but it’s hard to pick because it’s always getting replaced. Cops don’t like knocking.I get it finally, grimacing because the mess on the shirt I’m wearing is starting to flake. But at least it’s half-dry now. I push the door open, wincing as the familiar smell of stale beer hits me. I don’t see my mom on the couch, and I’m not going to look for her. I head for my room, kicking empty cans and bottles out of my way.And she’s been in here. I can tell. My bed is messy like someone slept on it, and my stuff’s all messed around. Fuck. That’s the one thing I told her never to do. To never ever come in my room. She could have seen my hidden stash of ‘toys’.I shut my door and sit on the bed. It’s… hard, being here. It… It brings back what happened. It makes me sick. And I just want to get my stuff and get out of here. I strip Carly’s shirt off, tossing it on the floor and making my way to a drawer. I pull out a clean shirt and tug it on, wandering over to my desk.And I smile, but it hurts, because there’s a picture of me and Carly on it. And we look so happy. And I can’t remember when we took it, and for some reason it makes me sad. I pick up the frame and take the picture out, slipping it into my pocket. I turn with a sigh and scoop up my bag, upending it and emptying all the junk out of it. I grab a few shirts and pairs of shorts, adding in some clean underwear.This place makes my skin crawl. Not that I loved it before, but it makes my body throb, and hurt, and even though I’m fighting off the memories, my body can’t forget.And it’s making me angry. I zip up the bag and head for the door, and when I open it, there she is. My mom. And I feel that anger flare in me again, and fuck it, I’m gonna let her burn.And she’s just standing there in the doorway, not moving, so I shoulder my way past her, and she stumbles back. “Sam… You’re back.”I turn, “No, I’m not back. I’m just here for my stuff, okay?” and it feels like my words are this bitter liquid, pouring out of me, like I’m draining this thing inside me that I didn’t even realise was full.But the vitriol just slides off her, and she staggers forward, hands reaching for my face. “Sammie, I’m sorry. illegal bahis I’m so sorry baby.”I push her away, stepping back. “You’re sorry?” I laugh, “You’re sorry? It’s a little late for that. You know what would’ve been better? If you had done something!”And she’s still reaching out, trying to touch my hair softly, but her hands are shaking, and she just pulls it. “Sammie, sweetie, I couldn’t-“”What? You couldn’t wake up? Because you were fucking passed out?” And she’s too close, and I feel sick and hot and this rage… this anger just feels so good. And I push her back roughly, dropping my bag. “You wanna know?” I hiss, pushing her again, “You wanna know what your fucking boyfriend did to me while you were right there?” I point at the couch, feeling this acid bursting through my veins and out of me. And I can see that she’s crying, and it disgusts me, and I feel dirty for even touching her. But I lean in close, because I need her to hear this. And I can smell the stale alcohol on her, and it turns my stomach. “He rayped me.” I whisper. “Right here, right against this wall.” And she flinches. “So hard I bled. I bled, mom. While you were passed out right there.”And I turn away from her in disgust, stooping to pick my bag up.”What was I supposed to do?” She sobbed, and when I turn she’s on the ground, weeping against that wall.”You were supposed to be my mom. You were supposed to protect me, to take care of me.” I laugh, shaking my head. “But why start now? You made it pretty clear you never wanted me. Well, you got your wish.”She raised her head, and she doesn’t even bother to wipe away the tears, or the snot. “Please, Sammie, honey… it’ll be different. We’ll be a family again. I- I promise.” And she tries to smile. Tries to smile at me.And I’m shaking, and I want so bad to hit her, to just hit her and kick her until the pain goes away and I stop feeling like I have to scream. “We were never a family. I was just a stain you couldn’t get rid of. Don’t pretend like it isn’t true,” And she’s shaking her head, reaching out to my shoe with pleading hands. “You never wanted me. What’s different now? What’s so fucking different? What’s gonna change, huh? You only want someone to take care of you, to put up with your fucking bullshit.” I shake her hand off my foot, stepping back. “It’s not gonna be me anymore. I don’t care what illegal bahis siteleri happens to you. You’ve had my whole life to change. And you haven’t. And now it’s too late. Okay? Fucking time is up.””Sam,” And her voice is plaintive, but I can hear the falseness in it. Whatever hold she had over me as my mom is gone.”No. I’m staying with Carly now. She actually cares about me, actually treats me like a human being, not some fucking doormat.”And she sits up shakily, smoothing her hair back, her tears gone. “What? You think your little friend Carly is going to want you?” And this is more the mom I know, the snide, condescending tone that always used to cut me to the bone when I was little, crush any self-worth or pride I might’ve had.And I feel a white hot anger burn through me. “You leave her out of it. I swear to God-“She laughs. “What? What are you gonna do Sam? When she realises what you really are? She’s gonna get sick of you. Everyone always does.”And I flinch. Because it’s true. Nobody’s ever wanted me. Except for Carly… and now… I don’t know. And it freezes me. Because I don’t know.”I’m all you’ve got Sam. What are you gonna do when she finds out you’re no good? That you’re just like your mom?””She… loves me.” I swallow hard. “I’m not like you.” And even as the words come out, I can feel they’re a lie. Because I am like her. And I hate it so much.My mom snorts, leaning on the wall heavily as she gets up. “Love you? Huh, that’s rich. Who could love you?””Stop it.” And my voice is shaking.She looks away, putting a finger to her chin and pursing her lips. “Hmm, there was always something rotten in you. I could tell, right from the beginning. You always used to punch and kick whenever anyone tried to do anything with you. It’s like you were missing something. Something… good inside you.””Stop.” And my eyes are stinging.”Hell, you chased your father away. He couldn’t handle you. And then you chased Melanie away. Hah, chased your own goddamn twin s!ster away.””Stop.” And my nails are digging into the palms of my hands, so hard.”Even your own flesh and blood couldn’t stand you. I’m all you’ve got. I’m the only one that’ll take you. You think your little friend Carly is gonna put up with all your crap?””You don’t get to say her name.” I hiss through gritted teeth.”Face it Sam. You know it’s true. You’re canlı bahis siteleri gonna drive her away just like everyone else. And then you’ll come crawling back. And I’ll be the one who has to put you back together again.”And I can feel my whole body shaking from this rage, this anger and fear that’s coursing through me. “You never put me back together. You only ever tore me apart.”She rolls her eyes. “I can’t help it that you were born bad Sam. I can’t help it that you do all these things that make me look bad. I can’t help it that you tempt my boyfriends-“”What? What did you say?” I feel a muscle under my eye twitch and I step forward. And it’s like a slap. “He rayped me.” I sound out every word, my jaw muscles working in my cheek.And she looks nervous, like she knows she’s gone too far. And I’m scared, scared of myself, because I don’t know what I might do.”Sam, I’m sorry. I take it back. I’m sorry baby.” And now she’s all apologies and sugared words again.And she flinches when I grab her shoulders, shoving her against the wall. And my eyes are wide and dry as I say, “You’re dead.”And her eyes are flicking around, trying to escape my stare.”You’re dead.”And she can’t, and she’s taking short breaths, and my hands tighten, digging into the soft flesh, hurting her.”You’re dead to me.”I shake her, shoving her into the wall again. “You’re nothing.” And I can feel my face twitching, the muscles going crazy as I fight to stop my hands from wrapping around her neck. And they itch to squeeze the breath from her, to finally shut her up. “You’re nothing.”I let her go with a final shove. I pick up my bag again and go, not stopping for anything, and my teeth are hurting from gritting them so hard. And I hate her. I hate her so much. Hate that she gets to me. Hate that she takes away my control, and makes me feel like a little k!d again. And I hope to god she doesn’t come after me, because I swear I’d kill her. And it scares me how badly I wanted to, how close I came. And I’m still shaking as I get to the car, Spencer tapping his hands on the steering wheel to the beat of a song. And I take a deep breath, trying to calm down.I slip into the passenger seat, closing the door with a thunk. Spencer smiles brightly at me, turning the music down. “Hey, how’d it go? You see your mom?”I put my bag in the backseat, turning back and staring out the windshield, pushing my anger down into a hard little ball and forcing nonchalance. Because she is nothing. She is no one. She can’t hurt me. She’s nothing. And my hands tighten in my lap, gripping each other.”No. I didn’t see anyone.”

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