Mistress Perspective Part 3 Dreams to Reality

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The most dangerous part of being a mistress is forgetting your own reality. Having such happy moments with your lover, that you forget there are other priorities. Losing track of time. Leaving marks on skin. Creating an entire make-believe world where only the two of you exist and then having to face the crushing reality of falling, alone, from those special moments.What I struggle with more than anything as a mistress is grounding myself. I let myself fly so high when I am with you, dreaming so big. And then reality beats me back down to the ground. So many lonely, heart breaking drives home alone in the wee hours of the morning. Tasting you on my lips and knowing you are not mine. Cannot ever completely be mine.I fight the feelings of loneliness in my own head. I bottle them and wait for them to set me on fire from the inside. Sometimes I unleash them onto you. usually as I sit, sleepless and desperate in a parking lot. I pour my feelings out to you. knowing you have no answers. Just needing to tell someone other than my journal. And getting less than lukewarm responses in return. The same unsolvable problems that plague us.You leave me aching like no one else in so many ways. My body aches from long tender loving nights. My soul aches knowing you are without me and unhappy. My only cure for this is to turn these aches into passions. I long for you and instead of falling into the deep abyss of reality, I plan for the next time we are together. Instead kaçak iddaa of sobbing and yearning for your hands on me, I use my own.Reality isn’t so hard to face when you cut off feelings altogether. But this is a dangerous path. It can help you overcome the loneliness you feel but replaces it with a cold steel sort of apathy. I have been using this unfeeling method lately and I feel it has soured our good moments. The last night we spent together was hot and steamy as always.But the feelings that come when we leave each other never came. I wasn’t broken and unstable. I was cold and accepting of our denied relationship. Locking us away as a dream and nothing more. Sometimes, spending entire days convinces myself that we are only a dream and that nothing ever happened between us. We are just characters in one of my stories and nothing more.It made it easier for me to face the unknowing world. I think that there is a huge difference between bottling up frustrations and refusing to feel them altogether. If you bottle up everything, it still exists. Somewhere in the back of your mind or the smallest crevice of your heart, those feelings sit and fester inevitably leading to an explosion. If you refuse to let them have any effect on your emotions, deny them altogether, then they cease to exist. Leaving you a cold yet stable individual.Its addicting to cease emotions. It makes life much easier but becomes a horrible habit. I know that eventually it will kaçak bahis lead to falling out of love, losing the spark that once moistened my panties on contact. So I am left with the decision of which is worse? Feeling everything, powerfully, to the point of breaking myself, or feeling absolutely nothing and changing this magnetic love to nothing but piston sex, the parts moving but no real pleasure being found.And I know it will only get worse. The cute date nights turn to awkward silences. Hotel reservations get cancelled. We only say things to each other through texting, not real words in real life. My newest rule is if we can’t say it out loud, then maybe we shouldn’t be saying it. Don’t promise me hugs and discussions and not follow through. Don’t tease me past the point of sexual frustration that turns to bitterness and rage. Flirting and teasing is fun, but what we do is almost to the point of sexual abuse.It’s at this point, that I start wondering if maybe I should be dating more people. Maybe I am not getting what I need from one person, and need more? It took me so long to get used to the thought of your touch, will it be easier or more difficult to accept the touch of another? Would it be different if there weren’t feelings involved? Just hard, fast passionate sex. No thoughts of what repercussion it may bring. Don’t even need to know names. Just physical contact. Your hands and body soothe and comfort me like no other, but perhaps, I could illegal bahis find the aggression I crave elsewhere.As a mistress, I know I should not feel guilt about sexual cravings. After all, you live with your wife, why shouldn’t I have someone else to keep as a constant when I can’t have you? I honestly don’t even think you would be jealous. Maybe internally you would struggle, but outwardly you would only show me the same calm cool response that I have come to know and hate. How can we be passionate with each other if you refuse to show emotions?I want to meet you somewhere and run to you, like you’ve been gone for half my life and I’m seeing you again for the first time. Like a soldier returning from war, I would run to you. Jump into your arms and lose myself in tears, kisses, and the strength of your arms. Hear you growl and feel your need for me. But this won’t ever happen. Only dreams, nothing more. Because we won’t ever let ourselves loose.The realities of our situation are that I have yet to file legal divorce paperwork and you have decided that you will never leave. That makes our situation clear in my head. But my stupid heart. And my stupid hopes and dreams. So, I take it out on myself. Knowing that again in life, I am not enough. I will never be anyone’s top priority. And I deserve this torment because I am a whore. Always have been and always will be.I can write all these erotic stories of us and truthfully, I know that’s all they will ever be. Stories. Dreams. There is no future here. That is my cold reality. We can get a hotel and lose ourselves in the clouds for an hour or two. But then we must leave, falling suicidal to the hard ground.

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